Celebrating Ninety-Three Years: Family First

This is a Happy Birthday episode.  Join me for an unforgettable conversation with my incredible mother, Joan Barnes, as she celebrates her 93rd birthday.

Hear about the early years of her marriage to my dad, their adventures during his Navy service, and their 1st year together in Bermuda. Joan's stories offer a unique perspective on the wisdom, love, and resilience that have been the backbone of our family for generations.

In this heartwarming episode, Mom and I dive deep into the fabric of our family, exploring the joys and challenges that come with seeing grandchildren grow and great-grandchildren arrive.   

My Mom shares her secret to a long and happy marriage—embracing individuality and finding someone who makes you a better person. We reflect on our unique family and the importance of being kind. This episode is a testament to cherishing life's blessings and staying positive amidst life's ups and downs.  We both agree that life can be really messy - but it's important to keep moving forward. 

Key Takeaways

• Celebrate each person's unique qualities
• Find a partner who makes you a better person
• Kindness is key
• Be good examples for your children
• Build a solid family foundation 

Chapters

• 0:00 Key moments in history
• 2:13 Beginnings
• 2:48 Dating
• 4:00 Life in Bermuda
• 10:04 Grandchildren
• 14:30 Kindness

Transcript

Judy Oskam : 0:00

Welcome to Stories of Change and Creativity. I'm Judy Oskam. Well, when you think about it, getting older is all about change, and aging well takes creativity and courage. The older I get, the more I search for the secret to a long life full of health and happiness, and that's why I'm excited to share my conversation with one of the most important people in my life. Actually, without her, I wouldn't be here. Joan Barnes. Today is mom's 93rd birthday and, to my surprise, she agreed to talk with me on her special day. My mom is, and always has been, my go toto for wisdom, love and kindness. I hope you'll enjoy our conversation. Let's first start off with this is a big day 93. And when you think about 93, what's in your mind with that? What are you thinking, mom?

Joan: 1:05

I woke up this morning thinking of all the big deals that I've gone through, and the first thing I thought of was December 7, 1941, when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. I've always been interested in the history of our country or what we went through in our lives, and we had such a long marriage, alf and I, that your dad and I yes, and so I was thinking of the day that the war started.

Joan: 1:44

And you would have been 10 years old then I would have been 10 years old, right. But I heard all the young people, heard all the grownups talking about the attack on Pearl Harbor. We lost most of our Navy at that time at that time, and then I was thinking about the end of the war, when we all kind of grew up, went off to get married and some of us went off to college. I was working and just things that happened to me during my lifetime, the things I've seen.

Judy Oskam : 2:28

Yeah, the things you've seen. And you and Dad were married in 51. Right, so you were high school sweethearts, sort of.

Joan: 2:37

Well, kind of In a brief, brief, short period of time, we dated when I was 14 and he was 15. And then I found out that he was, because he was older and taller and everything, and a man he could go out after. He took me home at 10 o'clock when I was supposed to be home, he could go out with the older girls, and so I didn't like that and I said no.

Joan: 3:13

I wasn't going to do that. So until later, when he was home from the Navy. Then we met again and spent a couple of leaves at home Navy leaves at home and fell in love. So we married on September 15, 1951. Went off to the Navy together that last year that he was supposed to be home. We were going to be married then and he was supposed to be home, but they passed a law that they had to have another year in the service because of the Korean War starting, Right, so that was part of our history together. So you had one more year and he was stationed in Bermuda, Right, so that was part of our history together.

Judy Oskam : 4:05

So you had one more year and you were. He was stationed in Bermuda.

Joan: 4:09

So you went back to Bermuda for the one year he had volunteered to go to the Korean War, but he was the only. The captain told him that he was the only man on the base who knew all of the facilities, because he was an electrician first class or something like that and he had wired and been in all of the buildings on the base so he wouldn't let him go to the Korean War.

Joan: 4:40

And I was so glad because our guys suffered a lot and lost a lot of lives in the Korean War, sure, but we had a nice year in Bermuda together because he was known on the base. So we kind of got special treatment a lot of times and I appreciated that as a young, young wife. Sure, sure, but anyway, that's how we started our lives together. Yeah, sure.

Judy Oskam : 5:18

Well, Mom, when you're thinking back about all those times and the journey that you and Dad had, and now fast forward and you've got grandkids and a great-grandchild and what are some of the lessons and the mess? Well, I guess the what do you want your grandkids to know about you and dad, your journey together and your life together as a woman, a working woman in the day, back in the day, oh, there's a lot we could talk about.

Joan: 5:51

So, Back in the day was something when I graduated from high school. All of my friends went off to college and I had been working at the bail system since I was 16. Mom took me up to meet the head operator.

Judy Oskam : 6:13

I love that Because Grandma worked for the Bell System.

Joan: 6:17

Well, yes, she worked temporarily during the tough times and so she knew people there and they knew her, and she took me to the head operator in the traffic department, which was where the calls were made and everything. And so I started at 16, and within a year's time they had taught me everything on the telephone system you know the long distance, the information, everything. And so I was pretty attracted to the business, more so than thinking of going on to college, but my parents really weren't into the college thing, sure sure.

Joan: 7:15

It was not as common then at all, and now I'm seeing the same thing. I'm seeing that people are saying it's not that important to go to college. It's as important to get a well-paying job. Like the plumbers are making more money than the college degree people.

Judy Oskam : 7:38

Things like that.

Joan: 7:39

The trades, yes, yes, the trades, and so I was happy as I was. And then it wasn't too long before we were married and went off to the service. And when we came back, we came back to Texas from Iowa. We came back to Texas from Iowa. We came back to Iowa, of course, where Dad went off to the Navy. But then we had enough money to buy a car and so we drove to Texas where my folks had moved. My stepdad was given a new job and he went to Dallas to work for Collins, and in the meantime we're thinking what should we do? How are we going to start our lives and all of that we do, how we're going to start our lives, and all of that. And then it wasn't too long until we were having grandchildren and fast forward to when Scott married and you married you first, you and Felix. Yes, you and Felix. I was so excited when you went for the baby in China.

Judy Oskam : 9:05

We adopted two daughters from China, right, yes, but it took me a while. I was 40 when we did that.

Joan: 9:12

That's all right. That's all right.

Judy Oskam : 9:14

Were you wondering if you were ever going to have grandchildren? I was because I was 68 before I had a grandchild?

Joan: 9:20

Yeah, but Dani was the little gal and I remember seeing her first picture when they sent us the picture of her with her little sweater and she was just such a cute little person, and the minute you see the picture of your grandchild, there's something in your heart that changes. Yeah, and you suddenly you love that little person. Yeah, sure, you don't know that person, you haven't met that person, but God has placed something in our hearts that immediately we love that person. But there's, god has placed something in our hearts that immediately we love that person. So then, three years later, you called me one time and you said Mom, we're going to go back to China and get another baby. And I thought, I thought, oh, it's so much to do. But you were so right, judy, because the first one needed a playmate. Sure, she needed a little sister.

Joan: 10:26

So then you got Jessica, and in the meantime Scott and Martha had Boomer and Maggie, right right, and William was first for them. And now William and his Melissa have given me a great grandbaby, evelyn. Yes, and within a very short number of years I was suddenly a grandma and a great grandma.

Judy Oskam : 11:04

Yeah right, so it goes fast. So time, what would you say about time? What would you tell us about time?

Joan: 11:12

I wonder now what I was doing all those years when I didn't have a grandbaby. I do. I really wonder where was I all those years and what was I doing? And I guess I was trying to be a housewife. You were working too, I was working.

Judy Oskam : 11:30

You always worked with Dad when you needed to you and.

Joan: 11:33

Dad, together went on your journeys on your journeys and we worked in different places and kept the family going. We thought when you and you were both off doing your family jobs, Right, right, but it's been a wonderful life I never. We lost Dad seven years ago and I thought I would be going about the same time. I never thought I would live to be 93. Right, Certainly Right, but I guess the good Lord knows what he has in store for me.

Judy Oskam : 12:18

Well, you're our matriarch now. It's such a big name. Well, don't feel the pressure, that's fine. That's fine. But really I think you do have a lot to share. You're super positive. That's your number one strength, and you've always been the one to kind of give us unconditional love and support, and I think you do that for the grandkids. I see the relationship you have with each of your grandkids and you're building that with the new little great-granddaughter. I'm trying, yes.

Joan: 12:55

She's such a little pistol, she's just walking all over everywhere when she comes here. Yeah, so we have to clear all the tables and everything I know.

Judy Oskam : 13:05

We'll do that. Yeah, we'll do that.

Joan: 13:06

She's going to pick up everything and look at everything and study everything.

Judy Oskam : 13:10

Yes.

Joan: 13:11

Yes, and now she's starting to talk, so it's exciting. Every child has their own thing. Every child is exciting and unique, unique and very different. It's amazing that William and and Maggie, from the same mom, very, very the same, but very different as well. Maggie's quiet and persistent.

Judy Oskam : 13:46

Yeah.

Joan: 13:46

And Dad said one time about her that kid would go everywhere. She just persists. Yes, she's just determined. Smart, smart, yes, smart and determined, and William is just Mr Handsome and all the friends that he has always had.

Judy Oskam : 14:10

Charismatic, very charismatic, yes, very positive. Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah and yeah, yeah, they're all different, yeah, and they're all different.

Joan: 14:21

boomer is just so grown up and so smart, brilliant. Very quiet about his brilliance, but but very kind to Grandma, very good to Grandma, yeah Well what about kindness?

Judy Oskam : 14:40

I mean, I think all the grandkids are really kind people and do you think that's a way to move forward in the world?

Joan: 14:48

That's because of you and Scott. Well, you and Scott, you and your mates definitely are very seriously kind. I have you here to take care of me at 93, which is so kind of you.

Judy Oskam : 15:10

Well, we're having fun, aren't we? Well, I think we are.

Joan: 15:13

We're watching the craziest TV, aren't we? Well, I think we are. We're watching the craziest TV, but we're having fun and we're talking and going over old times and old things that we experienced together. Sure, sure.

Judy Oskam : 15:27

Well, I learned that from somewhere, you know I had to learn that from somewhere. You helped take care of your mom and grandma and grandpa, so it's part of our legacy, I think.

Joan: 15:39

Yes, maybe so, but not every woman does that for her family. Not every woman does. I could be sitting in a nursing home somewhere in a corner feeling sorry for myself.

Judy Oskam : 15:52

Well, you'd be the life of the party there if you would.

Joan: 15:55

I would try to get it organized. Yes, that's good. I would try to get them to play well together, but no, it's an important day for me. But every birthday is an important day for everyone. You sort of take stock of what you've been doing and how you're doing it and you try to stay positive. Yeah, it's not a positive world lately.

Judy Oskam : 16:25

It's a messy world and it's messy and I think— and probably it's always been messy, but I didn't always see it that way.

Joan: 16:34

I didn't always see it that way, but anyway I've always found it to be kind to me. So I'm a lucky person, I'm blessed that way, yeah yeah. Dad was such a good provider and such a good person to live with. Well, what's the?

Judy Oskam : 16:55

secret of a long marriage. What's the secret of?

Joan: 16:58

of being together. It was 66 years, yeah, 66 years together, and I don't know what it, what the secret is. I think we, we tried to let each other be ourselves, be our own person. I didn't try to change him and make him do what I want him to do, nor did he try to change me. I mean, it seemed like he was happy. I wanted to stay home with my babies and my children, and he thought that was a fine idea. It was the idea of our time Sure, the 50s.

Joan: 17:43

In the 50s 60s yeah, that was what a lot of women wanted to do. However, in the 70s, we had sort of a changeover in life. A lot of women had to make a changeover in life. A lot of women had to make a living, had to go back to work, and I was lucky, I didn't have to. I did occasionally, but no, it was. I don't know the secret. We just we found it, whatever it was.

Judy Oskam : 18:14

Well, and also, too, if someone makes you better, if you're a better person around that person. That's what I always think about too.

Joan: 18:22

You're wise, Judy, because I do think that we made each other better. Yeah, I think we tried to make things on the ground so that in the air we were going strong, you know always.

Judy Oskam : 18:41

And always going forward. One thing I always saw about you guys is there was always forward motion. There were some hiccups, but there was always. There were some speed bumps, if you will, but there was always going forward together and I think you guys committed that when you got married right, you were in it for the long term. Right, we live by our vows.

Joan: 19:02

Yeah, I don't know that people do that now, but we definitely live by our. If you make a vow, you keep it. I mean you just have to keep it. It doesn't always work out that way, sometimes it just can't, but ours did. We were lucky, Right.

Judy Oskam : 19:28

Lucky people, right right right, blessed and lucky, yeah Well, and looking ahead at the grandkids, the grandkids and the great grandchild and you'll have future great grandchildren, hopefully, and I'm hoping for that as well. So we'll see what happens.

Joan: 19:46

We are all hoping for that.

Judy Oskam : 19:49

So is there anything you would leave them with? And you're giving them a piece of advice.

Joan: 19:56

Oh my goodness, I know that's a loaded question.

Judy Oskam : 20:01

There's a lot of ways you could go with that.

Joan: 20:04

I just think if they'll just abide by their families and how their families go, you and Scott will always keep things on an even keel, and that's important that children see their parents being happy with each other, sure, sure things together and wanting to build a family, because building a family is very important. A lot of people give up too quickly but, um, a lot of people do really good job of building a family. Sure, and that's the only advice I could give any of the children, because they're going to find their lives and build their pathways to having a happy family, and I wish them all the best.

Judy Oskam : 21:03

I love that, I love that. And happy birthday, mom. Thank you, we love you and we look forward to having some cake later today and a little party.

Joan: 21:13

I'm always up for cake. We're going to celebrate. Sounds good to me. Sounds good to me.

Judy Oskam : 21:23

Sounds good to me. Thank you, judy. Thank you, thanks for joining me. Thanks, and thank you for being you. Oh well, you too. Well, I'm, I'm you because I'm me, because of you. You know you're, you're 27 years different. Yes, 27 years difference. Let's not put that out there, okay. Yes, 27 years difference. Let's not put that out there. Okay, 93 years and going strong. Well, thank you for listening to Stories of Change and Creativity. I hope you found some insight into some of this and enjoyed it as much as I did, and remember, if you've got a story to tell or know someone who does, reach out to me at Judyoskam. com. Thanks for listening.